David_S14
03-12-2001, 14:57
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower
Sweet corn fans. Save money on toilet paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc. 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the
object you wish to view.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ****ing thing in the first place, you fat bastards
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower
Sweet corn fans. Save money on toilet paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc. 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the
object you wish to view.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ****ing thing in the first place, you fat bastards
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.