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Thread: marriage and family

  1. #1
    Guest -ghost-'s Avatar
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    marriage and family

    Bit of a strange one but interested in the opinions

    So I'm at the age where it's time to think about starting a family, marriage and all that stuff. I've always been on the side of get married have kids ie a normal life.

    But recently this has been severely questioned if this is a dangerous idea both emotionally and financially. Mainly due to my best mate getting divorced. He's only been married roughly 4 years to a women he's been with 7 years. It started after he found out she was having an affair 6 months after getting married and he for gave her but she has since had quite a few more since the last one he only found out due to getting a sti (Jeremy Kyle much?). Anyway he went to stay at his mom's for a few days on returning his keys wouldn't work and the police turned up and told him to leave as he broke some form of a court order.

    Anyway 6 months on he has only seen his kids once for 20 minutes, his now exwife has been awarded the house he owned outright before marrying, his fairly new bmw m3 as her fiat 500 wasn't big enough for the kids and is now living with the guy she was cheating on him with in, he also lost most of his belongings as she wouldn't allow them to be collected and now claims to have thrown most of it out as no one collected them(tho she threaten 2 different people that she would have them arrested for harassment).she also gets 50% of his pension

    As for the guy himself well he's a suicidal shell throwing money he now doesn't have trying to see his kids who is about to get sacked (from a really really good job) as he's just a mess.

    But at one time both of them were a great couple and really in love who made most other couples look bad. So i just put it down in my head as his ex wife just had a really good lawyer and hopefully he can get back to have what he had in the next 10 years or so. He was just really unlucky.

    Roll on tonight one of my misses mates got divorced this week she filed as her husband was "boring" she is laughing about how she has taken the ex husband for everything and he even had to pay the legal bill for her to do it. So again she seem to have got the house, a payout, pension full custody of the kids. And going by the fb posts he has to pay the mortgage on a house that he can't live in till the kids turn 18(is that possible?) And he has now had to move in with his parents.

    These are professional people ie high up accountant and high up corporate.

    I don't know if these are just a flook or if this is now how guys are dealt with in courts.

    I know it's not romantic way to look at but surely if the latter is correct then strong consideration is needed as the risks seem fairly high and it could happen at anytime which at later in life could be a problem as you won't have time to recover before retiring.

    Has any body else considered the pros and cons or got divorced recently(hoping to hear something positive)?

    Is marriage worth it if your not religious?(don't mean to offend anyone as i know it's very important)

  2. #2
    Guest Zornyan's Avatar
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    I thought after living with someone for x amount of years as s partner they became s civil partner and we're entitled to some stuff by law anyway?

    Personally marriage isn't high on the list for me, if I love my partner I don't need a piece of paper and a diamond ring to show it.

    Something my friend done as he's quite paranoid about these kinda things, when he bought his house, he got an estate agent to draw up a contract and made her a "tenant" paying something like £10 a month. Because of this though if they split up she's not entitled to anything, as even though they are married, she pays to rent the room.

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    Guest Zeldoz's Avatar
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    I was actually discussing 'pre-nup' the other night if that's how it's spelt.

    I worry about marriage. Not that I'm close yet, but thought of loosing everything like unfortunately your friend has scares the out of me. Urghh!

    I don't have kids. (Yet) but this kind of situation sits in my mind and does bother me and almost put me of slightly..

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    Guest zeppelin101's Avatar
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    Even if you aren't married you can still lose a portion of your house if your partner could prove that any money they had paid had gone towards the mortgage. Unless a contract has been signed to avoid that.

    The thing is, drawing up bits of legalese just flies in the face of what a relationship is about imo. If you can't trust your partner then what's the point?

    Marriage has its benefits but I don't believe that it should be the end point of a relationship. The point is though that if someone wants to **** you, you don't need to have a bit of paper from a registrar for them to do it.

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    Guest spice_weazle's Avatar
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    Not from personnel experience but from what my sister went through you pretty mech have the same rights on split wether you are married or not. Especially if kids are involved, weren't in my sisters case. She lived a bloke for several years he had an affair and they split. The house was in both their names but he paid the mortgage and she paid the bills. When they split she got legal advice and qas told that the house would be split 50/50 and he agreed to buy her half. Don't know about the kids side of things but if one parent stops the other seeing their kids then they are pretty evil in my opinion.

  6. #6
    Guest arry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by zeppelin101 View Post
    The thing is, drawing up bits of legalese just flies in the face of what a relationship is about imo. If you can't trust your partner then what's the point?

    Marriage has its benefits but I don't believe that it should be the end point of a relationship. The point is though that if someone wants to **** you, you don't need to have a bit of paper from a registrar for them to do it.
    Exactly.

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    Guest Tanuki's Avatar
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    Wow, I really feel for your mate, Ghost. She sounds like a truly awful person, can he not get a lawyer or private nvestigator and go on the offensive? It seems like he has nothing to lose. Also his company should be understanding given his circumstances. If I were him, after trying to get some money and access to kids, would start afresh in another country. Perhaps Vietnam or Portugal, whatever and just get the hell away from the toxic situation!
    Btw get a prenup.

  8. #8
    S13 'Vert yo Mitch's Avatar
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    I've paid the mortgage and almost all of the bills on our house (married 17 years or so) and would expect her to get half if the worst was to happen because that's the way it goes and it's a joint enterprise in that she has been a homemaker and worked some of the time, but if she got awarded the whole thing for some reason and they told me to continue paying the mortgage and bills, would I ****. I'd rather quit my job so I was skint and/or go to jail for non compliance than do that.
    I'd happily punt the house, split the profit and move on though, because I think that's fair enough.
    Member 504

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    Banned sideways14a's Avatar
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    After having been on the receiving end of this kind of shite in the past and seeing a fair number of my friends go the same way i can tell you now that there is no chance there will ever be any mini-sideways14a ever. Not that i just dont like kids (i dont really) but when shit hits the fan its a massive heartache and i have already had a half taste of that.

    A Marriage break up i could prob live with, just. Still think its safer to be single lonely, miserable and regularly drunk than the alternative which is either under the thumb or swinging from a tree

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    Guest BWanderers's Avatar
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    Makes me feel queasy when I read stuff similar to the 1st guy's story. On the assumption all the facts are as ghost understands, (& that the court order wasn't deserved, but is just a snide move on her part) I'd not be able to let her get away with that. It fnuks with my 'fairness' bone far to much for that. But, I can be very patient If I wasn't aware of similar 'S' like that happening to a few of my friends over the years, I'd have questioned the current outcome as being true. My heart goes out to him.

    Alternatively though, I'm aware to a detailed level, of two other outcomes where the woman was crapped on by their partners &/or the law.

    R.
    Last edited by BWanderers; 26-05-2015 at 00:19. Reason: exdixlia!

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    Guest BWanderers's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sideways14a View Post
    After having been on the receiving end of this kind of shite in the past and seeing a fair number of my friends go the same way i can tell you now that there is no chance there will ever be any mini-sideways14a ever. Not that i just dont like kids (i dont really) but when shit hits the fan its a massive heartache and i have already had a half taste of that.

    A Marriage break up i could prob live with, just. Still think its safer to be single lonely, miserable and regularly drunk than the alternative which is either under the thumb or swinging from a tree
    Come on SXOC gods of admin, this post from Sideways alone makes a 'LIKE' button essential, let alone the previous 100+ requests for one! Tickle our chins & get it done!

    R

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    Guest Asht_200's Avatar
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    A mate of mine has been through 2 messy marriage breakups now and it looks like he's currently eyeing up the 3rd marriage breakup...

    It's worse when there are kids involved. It usually isn't the kids fault and they are the ones who end up playing piggy in the middle and the subject of many an argument.

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    2 friends of mine who were together for 5 years got married last year and split up last month, its not something i'm interested in and i don't think it means the same as what it did 50 years ago.

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    Guest zeppelin101's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by spice_weazle View Post
    Don't know about the kids side of things but if one parent stops the other seeing their kids then they are pretty evil in my opinion.

    Completely disagree. If you don't know all the circumstances there is no way you can draw that conclusion. What if the mum was subject to abuse and rape? What if the dad had been strung along while the mum sleeps with all and sundry and bleeds him dry?


    My partner has been on the receiving end of some shit by her ex. I wouldn't let her daughter or her any where near him even if she wanted anything to do with him.
    Last edited by zeppelin101; 25-05-2015 at 20:41.

  15. #15
    Guest -ghost-'s Avatar
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    I double checked she had a order put in place due to text messages. She text him saying man up and just accept it(the affairs that is), you always said you wanted me to be happy.

    To which he text back saying **** off slut and sent 8 texts about seeing the kids in 72 hours all went UN answered this amounts to harassment and verbal abuse hence the order

    I couldn't see him doing anything bad he's not the angry type Tbh he's too nice for his own good a bit of a door mat it seems. He never even took a lawyer to the court as he didn't want to distress the situation.

    I'm just really just struggling to understand how they went from been a really great couple to this sad mess. It's also very hard as we are friends with ex husband and ex wife knew them from school days.

    I was hoping to get some positive but it seems it's more common than not.

    Just to add she phoned the company he works for to tell them about the court order then posted on the companies Facebook page about employing abusive people. Hence why they aren't happy.
    Last edited by -ghost-; 25-05-2015 at 20:00.

  16. #16
    Guest zeppelin101's Avatar
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    Either there is more going on than you know, or she is psychotic. Everyone seems to have a story of someone they know having a messy divorce, it doesn't mean it's inevitable.

  17. #17
    Banned sideways14a's Avatar
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    Your mate needs to take a massive step back before this whole thing goes massive clusterfvck, anything he does will not come out well apart from staying away for quite some time.
    Get him down the doctors for some anti depressants, take a couple of weeks minimum off work and get him as far away as possible from the place.

    There are scum out there on both sides, blokes and wummin.. many folk have very little care what there actions cause and there aint any point in fighting it as you will get nowhere.

    What goes around comes around though, mine did and i had a good old lol about it for a very long time afterwards when i heard... still gives me a chuckle.

  18. #18
    Guest spice_weazle's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by zeppelin101 View Post
    Completely disagree. If you don't know all the circumstances there is no way you can draw that conclusion. What if the mum was subject to abuse and rape? What if the dad had been strung along while the mum sleeps with all and sundry and bleeds him dry?


    My partner has been on the receiving end of some shit by her ex. I wouldn't let her daughter or her any where near him even if she wanted anything to do with him.
    That's common sense and I didn't mean in that sort of circumstance, I meant if nothing like that happened.

    Some people are evil enough to stop the other parent from seeing there kids just for the **** of it and to cause trouble.

    Sorry, I forgot that common sense doesn't prevail on the Internet and that you always need to asume that you will be taken literally when you post some thing.

  19. #19
    Guest zeppelin101's Avatar
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    No need for that. It's something I'm in the middle of so I'm quite vocal about it. Also, we don't have all the information in this instance either. What happens behind closed doors might be very different to what happens with other people around. I know that's how it was for my partner.

    Yeah some people are evil in that respect, but not that many. It's not easy being a single parent or introducing your children to someone else after turfing out the other parent.
    Last edited by zeppelin101; 26-05-2015 at 08:06.

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    Quote Originally Posted by -ghost- View Post
    I was hoping to get some positive but it seems it's more common than not.
    meh, depends on your social upbringing and peers me thinks.


    42% of marriages end in divorce according to stats ... so make of that what you will ... I am assuming my social circle extends in the 58% of people that don't get divorced .... I don't know anyone that has got or is getting divorced ... none of my mates, none of their parents .... honestly no one ...... I was shocked to see that 42% do end in divorce seeing that I seem to have led a sheltered life from this.

    Ultimately though, you cant blame marriage ... its just a thing .... if you are an arse or decide to marry an arse .... then expect some pain at some point, but marriage doesn't "make" you a arse, it doesn't make you cheat, or get bored, or hate your partner .... thats down to either you or your partner. Likewise should it all go Pete Tong depending on how much of an arse either one of you is will depend on how amicable the split

    In a world that is predominantly self satisfying, materialistic, ooooh look what I am doing on Facebook narcisistic etc etc etc ..... its no wonder people cant make it work, they are too absorbed in there own fulfilment to share their toys, emotions and life with another person

    take a deep look at yourself and at your partner .... if you honestly believe you are both in the 58% category, then there are no worries
    Last edited by Johnny; 26-05-2015 at 07:50.

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