The Irate Customer - Funny

[JohnD76]

THE IRATE CUSTOMER

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer,
this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special'
customers we all love!

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for
being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a
passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a
long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger
pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter
and said,

"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to
work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her
voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at
the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his
identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
have to stand in line for that, too."

[DJFish]

Love it,
I can't stand that sort of to55er whenever I'm jet setting around the globe and living the life of an international man of mystery.

Dave

[Kev]

:D
Nice one

Classy, sassy and direct :)

[Papa Lazarou]

Hahaha. I have to deal with w***ers all the time in my job..

Anyone seen this classic before? Supposedly its a letter written by a curator at the Smithsonian Institute to a nutter who likes sending in stuff he dug up from his back garden.


THIS IS AN ACTUAL LETTER FROM THE ARCHIVES OF THE SMITHSONIAN.
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie".

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities



;)

[JUT]

This one's doing the rounds on my work email at the mo. For those of you that haven't seen it already, it's a genuine complaint letter written to NTL and it's quality!

57 xxxx Street
xxxxxx
xxxxxxxx
xxxx xxx
27-09-01


Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and
seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you
can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting
in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I
alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for
a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and
highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a
drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further
telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived
... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%...
these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to
Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone
calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully
transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also
highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will
call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me
back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be
transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that
your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to
the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this
theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.

Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my
frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you
truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum - incompetents
of the highest order. British Telecom - ****ers though they are - shine like
brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your
seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to
receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and
cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver
- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief -
although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even
perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of ****s,

Yours psychotically,

Xxxx Xxxxxxx

[Kev]

took ages to read, but TOTALLY worth it.

Absolutely pissing myself laughing, infact there are tears running down my face.

Excellent!!!!!!!!!!!

Kev