Funnies

[Nathan_200sx]

THE PERFECT DAY-FOR HER

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

8:30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday

8:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants, open
presents of expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.

9:15 Soothing hot bath if frangipani bath oil.

10:00 Light work out at club with handsome funny personal trainer

10:30 Facial, manicure,shampoo, condition, blow dry

12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe

12:45 Catch sight of husband/boyfriends ex and notice she has gained 17Kg

1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit

3:00 Nap

4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card from secret admirer.

4:15 Light workout at club, followed by a massage from the strong but
gentle hunk.

5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe.

7:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/dancers

10:00 Hot Shower(alone)

10:50 Carried to Bed

11:00 Pillow Talk, light touching and cuddling.

11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.


THE PERFECT DAY- FOR HIM

6:00 Alarm

6:15 Blow job.

6:30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section.

7:00 Breakfast:rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked
buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler.

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Several spicy rums and coke en-route to Airport

9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet

9:30 Limo to Mirage Golf Resort (blow job on route)

9:45 Play front nine 2 under par

11.45 Lunch-Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
(1969)

12:15 Blow job

12:30 Play back nine 4 under par

2:15 limo to airport (several spiced rum and cokes)

2:30 Fly to Cairns.

3:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude who
also bend over a lot displaying growlers.

4:30 Land World Record Marlin (1234lbs)- on light tackle.

5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending over
displaying growler-naturally)

6:45 ****, Shower and Shave.

7:00 Watch News: Michael Jackson assassinated, marijuana legalised.

7:30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perrignon (1953) bog juicy fillet
steak.

9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Cuban Cigars in front of wall sized TV as you
watch England beat Germany 8-1

9:30 Sex with 3 women (all with lesbian tendencies, bending over displaying
growlers, of course)

11:00 A night cap blow job.

11:15 In bed alone.

11:45 A 12 second Fart which changes note 4 times and forces the Dog to
leave the room.

[JackaL]

This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder:

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied,


"NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!"

[David_S14]

The pope goes for his annual check up.
He goes though all the cubicles, heart, ear/nose/throat etc...and finally comes to the urinary specialist. After looking at the popes sample for a while the doctor goes into consultation with the other doctors and after a heated discussion they all approach the pope. The spokesman says "Sorry your holiness but unless you have sex within the next three weeks you'll die"
"Oh lord" says the pope "my vows of chastity forbin such perversion"
"But your holiness, where will the world be without your spiritual guidance" says one of the cardinals.
After much prayer the pope comes back to the group and says "I will agree to the proceedure with four conditions"
"one, so the woman will not know who I am and that I have sinned she must be blind"
"That is no problem" says a cardinal
"Two, so that the woman will not be able to hear my name spoken she must be deaf"
"Again no problem your holiness"
"Three, so the woman cannot utter my name to another living soul she must be mute"
"Getting a bit trickier but we should be OK" the cardinal says again.
"And the forth ?" he says to the pope
The pope looks him straight in the eye and mumbles " Big tits"