Dodger
23-01-2002, 10:54
> "You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally,
> but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15
> years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a
> video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in
> charge of immigration."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "What we know about Osama bin Laden is this-he's worth $300 million, he
> has five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for their
> 'excessive' lifestyle."
> -- David Letterman
>
> "The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't
> solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Osama bin
> Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be
> exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since
> expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and
> gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war
> against capitalism."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he
> never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton."
>
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three
> words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll
> get his money, he'll be dead in a week."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and
> sisters.
> Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic"
> -- Conan O'Brien
>
> "One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look
> forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great
> because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll
> continue living."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're
> number three."
> -- David Letterman
>
> "Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in
> this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to
> manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is
> standing outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the
> poison here it could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty
> from noon until 1 every day!'"
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers
> Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be
> mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing! What genius came up with this
> promotion? What's next? A ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a
> box."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages
> that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible
> news for the rap industry."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken
> restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were
> attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders."
> -- Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update
>
> "Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West Wing, it makes a
> direct reference to what happened in New York City. The exact plot is
> being kept top secret. We are the only country in the world where we
> put our battle plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top
> secret."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "Pakistan's ruler Pervez Musharraf predicted the Taliban will fall for
> hiding Osama bin Laden. Ex-king Zahir Shah is standing by to replace
> Mullah Mohammed Omar. And the most ominous sign of all, President Bush
> has learned all their names."
> -- Comedian Argus Hamilton
>
> "There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to
> talk with the Taliban; apparently they were having trouble rhyming the
> word Jihad."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the Internet
> and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today
> his name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after the
> terrorist's electronic banking system. You know what they should do?
> They should transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his
> deposits, screw up his statement and nickel and dime him to death with
> service charges."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but
> let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name
> isn't Ali, arrive at the airport extra early."
> -- Jay Leno
>
>
> "Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding ****
> Cheney? Where did he go? What, have we got caves over here now, too?
> Where
> did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo.'"
> - Jay Leno
>
> "Eleven members of the Washington Redskins Monday were exposed to a
> mysterious white powder they had never seen before: The end zone."
> - Jay Leno
>
> "President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today
> Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again." - Jay Leno
>
> The Canadian Prime Minister said Canada would lend the U.S. its full
> military support. You know what that means: Both tanks."
> - Jay Leno
>
> "President Bush's popularity is at 90 percent, the highest popularity
> ever... if President Bush ran for president today he could actually be
> elected."
> - Jay Leno
> but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15
> years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a
> video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in
> charge of immigration."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "What we know about Osama bin Laden is this-he's worth $300 million, he
> has five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for their
> 'excessive' lifestyle."
> -- David Letterman
>
> "The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't
> solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Osama bin
> Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be
> exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since
> expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and
> gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war
> against capitalism."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he
> never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton."
>
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three
> words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll
> get his money, he'll be dead in a week."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and
> sisters.
> Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic"
> -- Conan O'Brien
>
> "One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look
> forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great
> because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll
> continue living."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're
> number three."
> -- David Letterman
>
> "Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in
> this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to
> manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is
> standing outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the
> poison here it could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty
> from noon until 1 every day!'"
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "Postal inspectors have been given advanced warning that Publishers
> Clearinghouse is sending packets of laundry detergent that could be
> mistaken for anthrax. Oh, good timing! What genius came up with this
> promotion? What's next? A ticking alarm clock? Let's put that in a
> box."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages
> that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible
> news for the rap industry."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken
> restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were
> attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders."
> -- Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update
>
> "Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West Wing, it makes a
> direct reference to what happened in New York City. The exact plot is
> being kept top secret. We are the only country in the world where we
> put our battle plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top
> secret."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "Pakistan's ruler Pervez Musharraf predicted the Taliban will fall for
> hiding Osama bin Laden. Ex-king Zahir Shah is standing by to replace
> Mullah Mohammed Omar. And the most ominous sign of all, President Bush
> has learned all their names."
> -- Comedian Argus Hamilton
>
> "There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to
> talk with the Taliban; apparently they were having trouble rhyming the
> word Jihad."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the Internet
> and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today
> his name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after the
> terrorist's electronic banking system. You know what they should do?
> They should transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his
> deposits, screw up his statement and nickel and dime him to death with
> service charges."
> -- Jay Leno
>
> "People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but
> let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name
> isn't Ali, arrive at the airport extra early."
> -- Jay Leno
>
>
> "Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding ****
> Cheney? Where did he go? What, have we got caves over here now, too?
> Where
> did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo.'"
> - Jay Leno
>
> "Eleven members of the Washington Redskins Monday were exposed to a
> mysterious white powder they had never seen before: The end zone."
> - Jay Leno
>
> "President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today
> Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again." - Jay Leno
>
> The Canadian Prime Minister said Canada would lend the U.S. its full
> military support. You know what that means: Both tanks."
> - Jay Leno
>
> "President Bush's popularity is at 90 percent, the highest popularity
> ever... if President Bush ran for president today he could actually be
> elected."
> - Jay Leno