Leon
07-08-2003, 01:09
A doctor in San Francisco chartered a helicopter to Seattle, because he had to get there in time to save a critically-injured boy. The pilot did the preflight, got the doctor on board, and they took off to fly north on a standard VFR flight.
Arriving the SEATAC airspace, they found the entire area smothered in a thick blanket of fog, the radio dead, and the pilot had left his IFR charts at home. The doctor said "we absolutely must land soon if I'm to save the boy!"
The pilot, looking around, saw just one building tall enough to climb above the fog layer. He flew toward it. As he approached, he looked through a window on the top floor, and saw a secretary working at her desk. He edged the helicopter as close to her window as he dared get. The secretary heard the noise, and walked over to open the window.
The pilot shouted "Where am I?!"
She looked at him a moment, and replied "You're in a helicopter!"
The pilot broke into a big grin, heeled the stick hard to the right, and thirty seconds later they descended through the fog and landed smack down onto the landing pad at the airport.
The doctor was astounded. "How in the world did you do that?!" he asked.
"Well," replied the pilot, I asked a question and received an answer that was wholly inappropriate to solving my problem - so I knew that building had to be Microsoft headquarters. The airport is just down the road."
****************
Windows '98 Source Code
/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code Project: Chicago(TM)
Projected release-date: Summer 1994
*/
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main() {
while(!CRASHED) {
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation) {
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed) {
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache()) disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu()) {
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
// printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11");
// printf("Welcome to Windows 95");
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok()) { crash(to_dos_prompt); }
else {
system_memory =open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(something) {
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}
}
********
A blond goes into a fabric store and tells the salesman, "I'd like to buy a curtain."
"Fine", he says. "What size do you need?"
"Oh, about 14 inches square and a little frill at the top", she replies.
"What the heck is that for?" he asks.
"My computer monitor" she says.
"You're crazy lady. People don't put curtains on monitors!" he yelled.
"Helllooo, I've got Windows".
******
Bill Gates is dead.
Arriving before Saint Peter for his Final Judgement, Saint Pete looks somewhat perplexed. "Bill. on one hand, you did put a computer into every home in America... so I should let you into Heaven. On the other hand, God is still pretty cheesed that you never patched the security flaws in your OS - just yesterday, Satan hacked the Ten Commandments again! I should send you straight to Hell for that!"
He pondered a little more. "Okay, Bill, I'll tell you what. I'll let you spend 30 seconds in Heaven, and 30 seconds in Hell. Then, come back and tell me where you want to spend Eternity."
Bill says "Sounds fair to me. Since I'm up here already, let's start with Heaven."
Saint Peter claps his hands, and Bill finds himself in Heaven - on an exquisite sunny beach. The temperature is about 72, birds singing, quiet waves lap the shore. In the distance, a group of monks sonorously extoll the Glories of God, and up above flocks of angels keep counterpoint with their harps.
"Not bad!" thinks Bill.
Saint Peter claps his hands again, and Bill finds himself in Hell - on an exquisite sunny beach. The temperature is about 72, birds singing, quiet waves lap the shore. In the distance, a cookin' mariachi band is strumming uptempo tunes. Topless waitresses wander the beach, serving icy-cold martinis. All of the sunbathers are female, tight of body and mind, completely friendly... and nude.
Bill pops back in front of Saint Peter. "Well, Bill, what'll it be?"
"Saint Pete - Heaven was a really nice place, but I gotta say that band in Hell was pretty good, the drinks were free, and I like the company."
"Fine", says Saint Peter. "Down you go!"
********
...It's a year later, and while rebuilding the server farm once again, following an attack on the OS, Saint Peter stumbles across his records while doing a recovery of the Database of Judgement, saying that a year ago he had sent Bill Gates to Hell.
"I wonder how he's doing down there?" muses Pete. "I think I'll pop down there and see."
Arriving in Hell, he finally finds Bill Gates - chained to a stone wall, acidic nitre dripping over him and gradually encasing him in stone, as a team of professional demons apply their most painful tortures. Blood is running, bone is exposed. Through his one remaining eye, Bill espies Saint Peter, and wails in anguish. "Saint Peter! Why? Oh, why?! This is nothing like what I saw when you sent me here to look!"
"Bill," replies Saint Peter, "that was just the demo!"
******
It's Bill Gates' birthday, and y'know, even being the richest man in the world has lost some of its excitement. Bill needs something new, fresh, a unique experience. So, he calls his friend Hugh Grant:
"Hugh, it's Bill. Hey, remember that prostitute you got caught with, who destroyed your career?"
"Yeah, her name was Divine. She was terrific!"
"Can you hook me up with her for my Birthday?"
"Sure, Bill - be glad to!"
The assignations made, Bill arrives at Divine's trysting place, and a steamy night follows.
The next morning, Bill sits up in bed, lights a cigarette, turns to Divine, and exclaims "Now I know why they call you Divine! That was the most earth-shattering experience I've ever had!"
Divine sits up, lights a cigarette, and says "Yeah. Now I know why you call your company Microsoft."
Arriving the SEATAC airspace, they found the entire area smothered in a thick blanket of fog, the radio dead, and the pilot had left his IFR charts at home. The doctor said "we absolutely must land soon if I'm to save the boy!"
The pilot, looking around, saw just one building tall enough to climb above the fog layer. He flew toward it. As he approached, he looked through a window on the top floor, and saw a secretary working at her desk. He edged the helicopter as close to her window as he dared get. The secretary heard the noise, and walked over to open the window.
The pilot shouted "Where am I?!"
She looked at him a moment, and replied "You're in a helicopter!"
The pilot broke into a big grin, heeled the stick hard to the right, and thirty seconds later they descended through the fog and landed smack down onto the landing pad at the airport.
The doctor was astounded. "How in the world did you do that?!" he asked.
"Well," replied the pilot, I asked a question and received an answer that was wholly inappropriate to solving my problem - so I knew that building had to be Microsoft headquarters. The airport is just down the road."
****************
Windows '98 Source Code
/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code Project: Chicago(TM)
Projected release-date: Summer 1994
*/
#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main() {
while(!CRASHED) {
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation) {
make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed) {
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache()) disable_cache();
if (fast_cpu()) {
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
// printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11");
// printf("Welcome to Windows 95");
printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
if (system_ok()) { crash(to_dos_prompt); }
else {
system_memory =open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);
while(something) {
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}
}
********
A blond goes into a fabric store and tells the salesman, "I'd like to buy a curtain."
"Fine", he says. "What size do you need?"
"Oh, about 14 inches square and a little frill at the top", she replies.
"What the heck is that for?" he asks.
"My computer monitor" she says.
"You're crazy lady. People don't put curtains on monitors!" he yelled.
"Helllooo, I've got Windows".
******
Bill Gates is dead.
Arriving before Saint Peter for his Final Judgement, Saint Pete looks somewhat perplexed. "Bill. on one hand, you did put a computer into every home in America... so I should let you into Heaven. On the other hand, God is still pretty cheesed that you never patched the security flaws in your OS - just yesterday, Satan hacked the Ten Commandments again! I should send you straight to Hell for that!"
He pondered a little more. "Okay, Bill, I'll tell you what. I'll let you spend 30 seconds in Heaven, and 30 seconds in Hell. Then, come back and tell me where you want to spend Eternity."
Bill says "Sounds fair to me. Since I'm up here already, let's start with Heaven."
Saint Peter claps his hands, and Bill finds himself in Heaven - on an exquisite sunny beach. The temperature is about 72, birds singing, quiet waves lap the shore. In the distance, a group of monks sonorously extoll the Glories of God, and up above flocks of angels keep counterpoint with their harps.
"Not bad!" thinks Bill.
Saint Peter claps his hands again, and Bill finds himself in Hell - on an exquisite sunny beach. The temperature is about 72, birds singing, quiet waves lap the shore. In the distance, a cookin' mariachi band is strumming uptempo tunes. Topless waitresses wander the beach, serving icy-cold martinis. All of the sunbathers are female, tight of body and mind, completely friendly... and nude.
Bill pops back in front of Saint Peter. "Well, Bill, what'll it be?"
"Saint Pete - Heaven was a really nice place, but I gotta say that band in Hell was pretty good, the drinks were free, and I like the company."
"Fine", says Saint Peter. "Down you go!"
********
...It's a year later, and while rebuilding the server farm once again, following an attack on the OS, Saint Peter stumbles across his records while doing a recovery of the Database of Judgement, saying that a year ago he had sent Bill Gates to Hell.
"I wonder how he's doing down there?" muses Pete. "I think I'll pop down there and see."
Arriving in Hell, he finally finds Bill Gates - chained to a stone wall, acidic nitre dripping over him and gradually encasing him in stone, as a team of professional demons apply their most painful tortures. Blood is running, bone is exposed. Through his one remaining eye, Bill espies Saint Peter, and wails in anguish. "Saint Peter! Why? Oh, why?! This is nothing like what I saw when you sent me here to look!"
"Bill," replies Saint Peter, "that was just the demo!"
******
It's Bill Gates' birthday, and y'know, even being the richest man in the world has lost some of its excitement. Bill needs something new, fresh, a unique experience. So, he calls his friend Hugh Grant:
"Hugh, it's Bill. Hey, remember that prostitute you got caught with, who destroyed your career?"
"Yeah, her name was Divine. She was terrific!"
"Can you hook me up with her for my Birthday?"
"Sure, Bill - be glad to!"
The assignations made, Bill arrives at Divine's trysting place, and a steamy night follows.
The next morning, Bill sits up in bed, lights a cigarette, turns to Divine, and exclaims "Now I know why they call you Divine! That was the most earth-shattering experience I've ever had!"
Divine sits up, lights a cigarette, and says "Yeah. Now I know why you call your company Microsoft."