Leon
04-07-2003, 10:47
>Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank. The Bank Manager thought
>it amusing enough to have it published in the Guardian.
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
>endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three
>nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the
>arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of
course,
>to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement
which,
>I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
>
> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
>opportunity, and also for debiting my account £50 by way of penalty for
the
>inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
>manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial
>ways.
>
> You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will
>our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
>restructuring my affairs in 2003, taking as my model the procedures,
>attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
>compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this
>end, please be advised about the following changes:
>
> I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
>calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
>impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank
>has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a
>flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore
and
>hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
cheque,
>addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch
whom
>you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the
Postal
>Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
>
> Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require
>your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but
in
>order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
>there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical
>history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details
>of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
must
>be accompanied by documented proof.
>
> In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
>he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
>than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button
>presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
>
> As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me
>level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
telephone
>system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised
>Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings,
>may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice
service:
>
> Press buttons as follows:
> 1. To make an appointment to see me.
> 2. To query a missing payment.
> 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
>nature.
> 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
> 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
>computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to
the
>Authorised
> Contact.
> 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
9.
> 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
be
>put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While
>this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
for
>the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best
>of Woodie Guthrie: Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at
every
>door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated
for."
>
> On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your
bank
>has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at
a
>cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your
>kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of
>advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of £20 per
>page. Inquiries from the Authorised Contact will be billed at £5 per
minute
>of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example,
in
>the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back
>to you. My new phone service runs at 75p a minute. You will be well
advised
>to
> keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
>
> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
>establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I
>wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
>
> Your Humble Client, (Name Withheld)
>it amusing enough to have it published in the Guardian.
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
>endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three
>nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the
>arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of
course,
>to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement
which,
>I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
>
> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
>opportunity, and also for debiting my account £50 by way of penalty for
the
>inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
>manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant
financial
>ways.
>
> You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will
>our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
>restructuring my affairs in 2003, taking as my model the procedures,
>attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater
>compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this
>end, please be advised about the following changes:
>
> I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
>calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the
>impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank
>has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a
>flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore
and
>hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
cheque,
>addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch
whom
>you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the
Postal
>Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
>
> Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require
>your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but
in
>order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
>there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical
>history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details
>of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
must
>be accompanied by documented proof.
>
> In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
>he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
>than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button
>presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
>
> As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me
>level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new
telephone
>system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised
>Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings,
>may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice
service:
>
> Press buttons as follows:
> 1. To make an appointment to see me.
> 2. To query a missing payment.
> 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
>nature.
> 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
> 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
>computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to
the
>Authorised
> Contact.
> 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
9.
> 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
be
>put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While
>this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
for
>the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best
>of Woodie Guthrie: Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at
every
>door, And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated
for."
>
> On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your
bank
>has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at
a
>cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your
>kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of
>advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of £20 per
>page. Inquiries from the Authorised Contact will be billed at £5 per
minute
>of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example,
in
>the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back
>to you. My new phone service runs at 75p a minute. You will be well
advised
>to
> keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
>
> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
>establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I
>wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
>
> Your Humble Client, (Name Withheld)