AshT_200
02-06-2003, 10:41
A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the barman, Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh
is sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent VanGogh?". "Yes" the old man replies. "Do you want a pint?" "No, ta. I've got one 'ere."
A man walked into a bank and asked the cashier to check his balance.
So she pushed him.
What do you call a woman who burns all her bills? Bernadette!
The other day I was walking down a country lane and saw a young girl walking towards me with a cow on a lead. I stopped and asked her what she was doing. She said, "I'm taking the cow to see the bull." I said, "couldn't your father do it?" "Oh no" she said, "it has to be the bull."
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
They've just brought out viagra eye drops, they don't do anything for your sex life but they do make you look hard.
Good King Wenceslas dialled out for a pizza. When asked how he would like it, he replied "deep pan, crisp and even"
This man fell into a vat of paint, he was rushed to hospital, but could not speak - the nurse said he was overcome with emulsion!
Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said that they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Man goes to the doc's with a custard and jelly dripping from his ears
--- doc says 'you're a TRIFLE deaf'
Man goes to the doctor with a lettuce growing out of his ear. Doc says,
"I've got some very bad news, that's just the tip of the iceberg."
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
Little boy goes into his pregnant mother and says " mummy why have you got such a big tummy", mum replies, well daddy gave me a baby and he's inside. Boy looks at his mum puzzled but wanders off to find dad. He asks his dad, "Dad, did you give mummy a baby" - "YES" replies dad - to which the boy says with great joy "Well mummys gone and eaten it"
The wife and I got a waterbed but after a while we had to get rid of it as we found we were drifting apart.
Why do women marry in white? So they match the kitchen appliances
Two women talking. One says to the other, "My husband works for Cunard."
The second one says, "Yeah, my husband works pretty hard too!"
Women are like savings accounts. They take your money then lose interest.
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then"
Why don't women wear watches? Because there's a clock on the cooker.
We took mother in law to a bull fight in spain and she fell into the ring. Teams of surgeons worked non stop for five hours but they couldn't save the bull.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. Is this a joke says the barman?
A man walks into the butchers and asks" Have you got any ox-tails? The butcher replies "Certainly sir, once upon a time there was an ox...
Heard about the guy that died from drinking varnish? Terrible death but a lovely finish!
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
My wife treats me as a sex object. Everytime I want sex, she objects!
What do you call a girl walking around with a radiator on her head? Anita
What's an Essex girls favourite wine? 'I wanna go to Bluewater'!!
What do you give the girl who's got everything? Penicilin !!!
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
is sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent VanGogh?". "Yes" the old man replies. "Do you want a pint?" "No, ta. I've got one 'ere."
A man walked into a bank and asked the cashier to check his balance.
So she pushed him.
What do you call a woman who burns all her bills? Bernadette!
The other day I was walking down a country lane and saw a young girl walking towards me with a cow on a lead. I stopped and asked her what she was doing. She said, "I'm taking the cow to see the bull." I said, "couldn't your father do it?" "Oh no" she said, "it has to be the bull."
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
They've just brought out viagra eye drops, they don't do anything for your sex life but they do make you look hard.
Good King Wenceslas dialled out for a pizza. When asked how he would like it, he replied "deep pan, crisp and even"
This man fell into a vat of paint, he was rushed to hospital, but could not speak - the nurse said he was overcome with emulsion!
Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said that they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
Man goes to the doc's with a custard and jelly dripping from his ears
--- doc says 'you're a TRIFLE deaf'
Man goes to the doctor with a lettuce growing out of his ear. Doc says,
"I've got some very bad news, that's just the tip of the iceberg."
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
Little boy goes into his pregnant mother and says " mummy why have you got such a big tummy", mum replies, well daddy gave me a baby and he's inside. Boy looks at his mum puzzled but wanders off to find dad. He asks his dad, "Dad, did you give mummy a baby" - "YES" replies dad - to which the boy says with great joy "Well mummys gone and eaten it"
The wife and I got a waterbed but after a while we had to get rid of it as we found we were drifting apart.
Why do women marry in white? So they match the kitchen appliances
Two women talking. One says to the other, "My husband works for Cunard."
The second one says, "Yeah, my husband works pretty hard too!"
Women are like savings accounts. They take your money then lose interest.
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then"
Why don't women wear watches? Because there's a clock on the cooker.
We took mother in law to a bull fight in spain and she fell into the ring. Teams of surgeons worked non stop for five hours but they couldn't save the bull.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. Is this a joke says the barman?
A man walks into the butchers and asks" Have you got any ox-tails? The butcher replies "Certainly sir, once upon a time there was an ox...
Heard about the guy that died from drinking varnish? Terrible death but a lovely finish!
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
My wife treats me as a sex object. Everytime I want sex, she objects!
What do you call a girl walking around with a radiator on her head? Anita
What's an Essex girls favourite wine? 'I wanna go to Bluewater'!!
What do you give the girl who's got everything? Penicilin !!!
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"