Rob Randall
30-05-2003, 11:15
> > I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up
> > to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs
> >
> > Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a
> > fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
> > have
> > your kayak and heat it
> >
> > So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
> > "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said
> > "You're closest"
> >
> > You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out
> > the night before and shoot the fox
> >
> > The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang
> > her up, I said "Did you get my drift?"
> >
> > So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
> > complaint,
> > this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions"
> >
> > I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to
> > pull a fast one"
> >
> > So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
> > "Eurostar?"
> > I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin"
> >
> > So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
> > He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays"
> >
> > But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
> > myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself
> >
> > So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,
> > it was Wedgie Kray
> >
> > So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me
> > with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds"
> > I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck"
> >
> > But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
> > competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar
> >
> > So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about
> > your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness"
> >
> > You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a
> > catholic converter
> >
> > So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
> > caller",
> > he said "Not you again"
> >
> > So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
> > there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the
> > salt
> >
> > He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
> > condiment"
> >
> > Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example
> > Goran,
> > even he's a witch
> >
> > And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
> > bisatchel
> >
> > So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode
> > I said "Are you two an item?"
> >
> > So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
> > thought "That's a turtle disaster"
> >
> > Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't
> > want your type in here"
> >
> > A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
> > don't start anything"
> >
> > A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says,
> > "Is this some kind of joke?"
> >
> > A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve
> > food in here"
> >
> > Dyslexic man walks into a bra
> >
> > A seal walks into a club..
> >
> > A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and
> > says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
> >
> > A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides
> > up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
> >
> > A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
> > the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
> > hour,
> > the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse
> > "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't
> > stand
> > chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
> >
> > There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
> > different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win
> > Unfortunately, no pun in ten did
> >
> > A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
> > a
> > family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
> > Spain,
> > they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
> > his
> > mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished
> > she
> > also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins.
> > If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
> >
Rob_R (S14a deceased )
> > to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs
> >
> > Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a
> > fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
> > have
> > your kayak and heat it
> >
> > So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said
> > "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said
> > "You're closest"
> >
> > You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out
> > the night before and shoot the fox
> >
> > The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang
> > her up, I said "Did you get my drift?"
> >
> > So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
> > complaint,
> > this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions"
> >
> > I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to
> > pull a fast one"
> >
> > So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
> > "Eurostar?"
> > I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin"
> >
> > So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
> > He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays"
> >
> > But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
> > myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself
> >
> > So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,
> > it was Wedgie Kray
> >
> > So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me
> > with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds"
> > I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck"
> >
> > But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
> > competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar
> >
> > So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about
> > your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness"
> >
> > You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a
> > catholic converter
> >
> > So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance
> > caller",
> > he said "Not you again"
> >
> > So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
> > there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the
> > salt
> >
> > He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
> > condiment"
> >
> > Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example
> > Goran,
> > even he's a witch
> >
> > And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
> > bisatchel
> >
> > So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode
> > I said "Are you two an item?"
> >
> > So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
> > thought "That's a turtle disaster"
> >
> > Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't
> > want your type in here"
> >
> > A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
> > don't start anything"
> >
> > A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says,
> > "Is this some kind of joke?"
> >
> > A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve
> > food in here"
> >
> > Dyslexic man walks into a bra
> >
> > A seal walks into a club..
> >
> > A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and
> > says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
> >
> > A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides
> > up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
> >
> > A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
> > the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
> > hour,
> > the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse
> > "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't
> > stand
> > chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
> >
> > There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
> > different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win
> > Unfortunately, no pun in ten did
> >
> > A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to
> > a
> > family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
> > Spain,
> > they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
> > his
> > mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished
> > she
> > also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins.
> > If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
> >
Rob_R (S14a deceased )