Cybersex takes a new twist

[SteveDunn]

:D

Been pointed to this a few mins ago, made me "lol" :)

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?

-------------------

bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

--------------

BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

[dunc]

Originally posted by Jenkski

bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.


PMSL, where did you find this?

[yeager]

superb...

[dundeeguy]

Originally posted by dunc
PMSL, where did you find this a-hole?

That was probably me when I was bored over the bank holiday! :rolleyes:

[SteveDunn]

hehe :D

DjShoryu: one time my friend got so drunk he thought legos were candy
buttonsDIE: you mean like he ate them?
DjShoryu: no, hes an artist
DjShoryu: he built an apple , then ate it

http://bash.org/?random

Various IRC quotes can be found there ^^ some funny, some not :) but worth a look all the same :D

[BanjoMaster]

Originally posted by Jenkski


bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.


This guy is a genius! :D :D :D :D

[Papa Lazarou]

Originally posted by Jenkski
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****


:D :D :D :D

[Pauly_Boy]

Lmao, Thats great!!!

[Duff Man]

Pah! now i need a new keyboard, spat milk over it ROFL :D ;)

Too funny :cool:

AD

[shadowninja]

I particularly like this one...

As you are well aware, online computers are often used to engage in cyber-sex. Detailed and erotic fantasies are typed into the computer to be instantly transmitted over the Internet.

Sometimes these harmless fantasies become fairly raunchy. This is not the case with the following transcript of an actual on-line cyber-sex session. Either this guy is clueless or has the greatest sense of humour known to mankind...

Well hung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black leather mini skirt and high-heeled boots. I am tanned and very buffed. I work out everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Well hung: I'm 6'3 and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought at Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing an old T-shirt, it's got some barbecue sauce stains on it and it smells kind of funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Well hung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up into your eyes and I'm smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge.
Well hung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Well hung: Now, I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Well hung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and I'm sliding it softly off.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off of my warm body. I'm rubbing your bulge faster now, rubbing and pulling.

Well hung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's, OK. It wasn't really too expensive.

Well hung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it! I'm wearing a lacy black bra, my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and harder.

Well hung: I'm fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it's stuck. Do you have scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind my back and undo the clasp.
My bra slides off. The cool air caresses my breasts, my nipples are erect for you.

Well hung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Well hung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Well hung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Well hung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off of my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Well hung: I'm taking your sopping wet blouse from you and throwing it in the corner of the room.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Well hung: I'm screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold! Yeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Well hung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out and nibbling on you. ummm, wait a second.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Well hung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart! : Are you OK?

Well hung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Is there anytthing I can do too help?

Well hung: I'm running to the kitchen. Choking wildly. Looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups??

<
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink! <

Well hung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Well hung: I'm washiing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm aching for you lover.

Well hung: Now I'm drying the cup. I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait it's dark, I’m lost. Where is the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall!
Well hung: I found it. <

Sweeetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I want you so badly.

Well hung: Me too.

Swweetheart: I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed against each other.

Well hung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take your glasses off?

Well hung: OK. But I can't see very well. I'm placing my glasses on the nightstand.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me baby!

Well hung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly to the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back lover.

Well hung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet and lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Well hung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Well hung: I just realized I peed in your hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bed now. Blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Well hung: Now I'm going to put my, you know, thing in your umm, woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, Baby! Do it!

Well hung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. Ma'am, I'm having a little problem here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth. I can't wait another second. Slide it in! Screw me!

Well hung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Well hung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Well hung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I'm looking for my glasses to see what the problem is.

Sweetheart: NO! Never mind. I'm getting dressed, I'm putting on my underwear and my wet nasty blouse.

Well hung: No wait. I can't find the night table. I'm reaching across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. I'm putting on my shoes.

Well hung: Now I've found my glasses. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain! The curtain is on fire. I'm pointing at it with a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, LOSER!

Well hung: Now the carpet is on fire! Nooooooo!

[Ally McC]

:D :D :D :D :D

Excellent

[Dave_S]

PMSL @ All :D :D :D

Dave

[dunc]

That one was ace! "I'm flaccid" LOL :D :D :D

[Dom_S13]

I have tears in my eyes.!

[PulsatingStar]

This one was in the b3ta newsletter a couple of weeks ago...

http://home.earthlink.net/~atawmic123/aol.txt

It still cracks me up :D

[Daniel san]

Haven't laughed so much in ages. Top thread.

[BanjoMaster]

This thread's outstanding :D:D:D:D Cheers jenks! More more more!

[Sideways Danny]

that's brilliant, best thread for weeks

[dunc]

I feel like I shouldn't be laughing at this stuff..... but its fecking hilarious :D :D :D

[SteveDunn]

I sent the first one to some friends in work, they all looked at me like i was a complete wierdo :D

Don't think they read it all :D

[James]

good work fella :D:D:D

[Kev]

Originally posted by shadowninja
Well hung: I'm fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it's stuck. Do you have scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind my back and undo the clasp.
My bra slides off. The cool air caresses my breasts, my nipples are erect for you.

Well hung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.


Excellent boys, fookin pissed meself here.

Keep up the good work :D :D :D :D

[Rambo stalker]

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Well hung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

lol

that'll keep me going for weeks!

[Nick]

ROTFPML!! :D

had to physically clamp my mouth shut at work.

[Dave200]

Originally posted by Nick
ROTFPML!! :D

had to physically clamp my mouth shut at work.

i had the same problem....lmfao :D

[PhilMorrison]

I'm literally sitting here at work crying with laughter :D:D:D:D... round of applause to jenski, for the funniest thing I've read on the net for ages :D:D:D:D:D

[Jammers]

I'm crying with laughter sitting here at work - welld one guys!!!:D :D :D :D :D

[dunc]

Yep, this is still funny as feck :thumbs: :D

[James]

just refound this:)
TTT for those that missed it the first time round:thumbs:

[Rambo stalker]

r there any more?

new ones?

[Scott_Drayton]

This is possibly the funniest thing i have ever read :D :D :D, everyone is lookign at me in work because im in tears!!! Lucky the boss is away :thumbs: :D :D :D

Brilliant Jenks.....