A wee joke or 2 (made me laugh)

[Kev]

SCOTLAND
>>DRAFT HIGHER GRADE MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2003
>>HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL
>>
>>
>>GLASGOW REGION
>>Name...............
>>Nickname..............
>>Gangname............
>>
>>1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for distribution. He
>>wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection
>>money. How much must he charge for a gram?
>>
>>2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a
>>week if he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the
>>wedding will cost him £587. And he'll have to start buying two fish
>>suppers every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie
>>wishes he'd stayed single?
>>
>>3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10
>>minutes when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How
>>many times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?
>>
>>4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on
>>the clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if
>>it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?
>>
>>5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for dealing speed. The
>>Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many more previous
>>convictions did Fingers have? EXTRA CREDIT: Who was Fingers' Brief?
>>
>>
>>EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION
>>Name..............
>>Rugby Club............
>>Daddy's Company.........
>>
>>
>>1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival
>>Fringe. But Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he
>>cry before giving them the tickets?
>>
>>2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan
>>McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at
>>University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's dad
>>and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling the
>>truth, so how many friends does Peter have?
>>
>>3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle.
>>His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord
>>Advocate?
>>
>>4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with
>>her whenever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has
>>refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?
>>
>>5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone
>>begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long
>>will it take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>HIGHLANDS REGION
>>Name............
>>Glen............
>>
>>1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle.
>>With 25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and
>>90p per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually
>>give a toss?
>>
>>2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan
>>Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take
>>to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10
>>kids?
>>
>>3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end
>>to end, how many people would be surprised?
>>
>>4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot
>>weighed 27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive
>>story and pictures?
>>
>>Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as
>>soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring!
>>______________________________

[dobergoose]

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :eek: :D :D

[Mike]

I find it insulting to Aberdonians!

[Mike]

..get all that wool out of my car!

[dundeeguy]

And which part of that has to do with an Event or meeting Kev???? :rolleyes: :p ;)

And to think your a moderator to control things like this :rolleyes: Your motto must be the age old one of 'do as I say, not as I do!' :D

[dunc]

> AT 00.54 ON MONDAY 7 MARCH 2003 A MAJOR EARTHQUAKE HIT MEASURING 4.8 ON
> THE RICHTER SCALE EPICENTERED ON GLASGOW.
>
> Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering: "Ah wiz shittin'
> masel",
> "Ah need some jellies", "Ah need a fag and a Cally Spesh".
>
> The Earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately £30 worth of
> damage, with the exception of the Possil area, where approx. £375,000 of
> improvements were made.
>
> Untold disruption and distress was caused:
>
> Many were woken well before their giro arrived.
>
> Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish
> Costas were damaged.
>
> Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were
> disturbed.
> The cone fell off the head of the statue of the Duke of Wellington outside
> the Gallery of Modern Art. The cone on his horse Copenhagen, managed to
> remain on the horse's head, albeit at a jaunty angle.
>
> Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the
> fact
> that something interesting has happened in Glasgow.
>
> One resident, Mary-Alice McGregor, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It
> was such a shock, little Chelsea came running into my bedroom crying.
> My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Shauni slept through it. I was still
> shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."
>
> Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.
>
> The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of Buckfast
> Tonic Wine to the area to help the stricken masses.
>
> Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
> quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery
> from
> Elizabeth Duke at Argos.
>
> HOW YOU CAN HELP?
>
> Clothing is most sought after.
>
> Items required include:
>
> * Sovvy rings
> * Baseball caps
> * Shell suits
> * Tesco two stripe trainers
> * White socks
> * Chunky gold chains
>
> Food parcels may be harder to put together but are necessary all the same.
> Required foodstuffs include: -
>
> * Frozen burgers
> * Buckfast
> * Deep fried Mars Bars
> * Buckfast
> * Golden Wonder crisps (Cheese and Onion and Prawn Cocktail preferred)
> * Buckfast
> * Tripe and Onions
> * Buckfast
> * Black, White, Fruit or Red Pudding
> * Buckfast
> * Fray Bentos Pies
> * Old English Cider
> * Buckfast
> * Lard
> * Ready-cut Potato Chips
> * Lard
> * Buckfast
>
> £2 buys chips, scraps and "ginger" -- preferably Dunn's or Alpine "Iron
> Brew" -- for a family of four.
>
> £10 can take a family to Coatbridge for the day, where children can sniff
> glue and spike up among the national collection of stinging nettles.
>
> 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim.
>
> £1.95 buys an "All Day" bus ticket to enable disaster victim travel
> between
> the Social, the Posty, the Offy, McDonalds, and Whateverys, and Glasgow
> Green or Elder Park for the refugees garden party.
>
> Please send your credit card number and a sample signature.
>
> THIS APPEAL IS MADE ON BEHALF OF THE GLASGOW EARTHQUAKE VICTIMS FUND BY
> THE
> SCOTTISH EXECUTIVE AND CITY OF EDINBURGH COUNCIL.
>
>

[Kev]

Originally posted by dundeeguy
And which part of that has to do with an Event or meeting Kev???? :rolleyes: :p ;)

And to think your a moderator to control things like this :rolleyes: Your motto must be the age old one of 'do as I say, not as I do!' :D

Well i didnt see any point in posting it in a general section, cos none of the English or Welsh peeps (apart from u Mike) would see the funny side.

Hey Kev, if uve got anything funny to put in mate, be my guest.
As long as no-one complains or is offended and there is no links to porn sites, its fine by me.

Re- links to porn sites, send them directly to me for........ verification:D :D :D

[dunc]

Kev, good to hear you made it! I thought you might have been caught in the quake :p

[Kev]

LOL
Nah, ma boatl eh buckie seen mey through like;)

[dobergoose]

Ah lowst everae hin a owned. Bloody insurance bawbags will no pay owt the 40bar a wiz ment tae get. Gone doon tae the toon the nite tae tan aw the windaes.

[dunc]

PMSL @ the weegie banter. Ya'd batter stick tae the ginger, pal - They eccies'll dae yer heed in!

[Mike]

ey waz neerly weepin et yer responses an ey waz gunna quote Rabbie but ey dinnah ken what the fcuk hez takkin aboot.. fit like

[dundeeguy]

Asylum Seekers

I come for visit, get treated regal,
So I stay, who care I illegal?
I cross border, poor and broke,
Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.
Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send plenty cash right to your door."
Welfare cheques, they make you wealthy,
NHS, it keep you healthy!
By and by, I got plenty money,
Thanks to you, British dummy.
Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them come as fast as you can.
They come in rags on the back of trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks.
They come here, we live together,
More welfare cheques, it gets better!
Fourteen families they moving in,
But neighbour's patience wearing thin.
Finally, British guy moves away,
Now I buy his house, and then I say,
"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.

Send for family (they just trash),
But they, too, draw the welfare cash!
Everything is mucho good,
And soon we own the neighbourhood.
We have hobby-it's called breeding,
Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!

Britishman crazy! He pay all year,
To keep us illegals in comfort here.
We think UK is very good place!
Much too good for the British race.
If they not like us, they can go,
There's lots of room elsewhere you know....

[dundeeguy]

HOW TO MAKE LOVE

Ingredients:
4 Laughing eyes
4 Well-shaped legs
4 Loving arms
2 Firm milk containers
2 Nuts
1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
1 Firm banana

Directions:
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently.
4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well
creamed. For best results. Continue to knead milk containers.
5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts,
leave to soak (preferably NOT overnight).
6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana does not soften, repeat
steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

Notes:
1. If you are in an unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and
after use.
2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
3. If cake rises, leave town.

[Kev]

:D :D :D
Good show old chaps, what ho.

Dunc, Kev, i see nae chookter banter in yer responses like, ah ken ye baeth ken some chookter banter, ah ken ye ken Ken thats steys our by yon tatty field, the wan fit shags sheep like eh???
Mike, whur dae ye bide then neebur ken like, eh????

:D :D :D

[dunc]

Look Kev, I ken you're ma neeber n that but there's nae need for that like. A'm awa doon the perk tae tan some mad dog, like.

[Kev]

So now do u see y this is in the Scottish section?

:D :D :D

[JonnySpeedbump]

PMSL :D :) :D

J

[tDR]

LOL

Especially liked the recipe for love!

[dundeeguy]

Three Welshmen and three Aussies are travelling by train to a rugby match at the World Cup in Australia.

At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Welshmen buy just one ticket between them. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Welshmen.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Welshmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Welshmen on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Welshmen don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie.

"Watch and learn," answers a Welshman. When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three Welshmen cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Welshmen leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please"

[Kev]

:D :D :D

[tDR]

An Aberdonian man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The Man hangs up and gives it some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

[dundeeguy]

Just got sent this in an email. I thought it was funny, then again, I'm easily amused!! :rolleyes: :p

splish splash baby (http://www.cutestuf.com/flash_0203/splishsplashbaby.cfm)

[Mike]

laugh? I nearly fart*d!

[JonnySpeedbump]

:D LOL :D

[dunc]

News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained 6th Grade teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.

US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction.

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

[Kev]

*groan*:rolleyes:

[dundeeguy]

As I've Matured;

I've learned that you cannot make
someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
Some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years
to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by
on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy
or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't
compare yourself to others - they are
more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting
long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible
for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of
how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better
be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that 99% of the time when
something isn't working in your house,
one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon,
and all the less important ones just never go
away.

I've learned to say "f--- 'em if they can't
take a joke" in 6 languages.

[dobergoose]

A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My dick's gone orange." The sceptical doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Sure enough the guy's dick is orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life." Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doctor asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago and the doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guy's stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit at home, watch porno films and eat Wotsits

[dobergoose]

Man walks into the bathroom and sees his 15 year old son playing with himself. He says "What the fcuk do you think you are doing? At your age I was out shagging loads of women! Now, if you get laid today, I'll give you a tenner."
So the boy goes out, and comes back later. Dad: "Did you get laid then?"
Boy: "Yes Dad!"
Dad: "So who did you shag then?"
Boy: "My grandma."
Dad: "You fcuked my mother?"
Boy: "Well, you fcuked mine..."

[Kev]

Martin!
TUT TUT
:D :D :D :D

[tDR]

lol :D