TAS
22-08-2002, 11:48
A classy night of romance?
A while ago, after more than a few delicious beverages at my local I
pulled a large woman, and persuaded her to let me take her home.
At home, we soon got down to business and despite the room being pitch
black
it wasn't hard to locate her massive b*obies, so I started sucking greedily
on a hardened ni*ple.
And then, rather surprisingly, I got a gob full of warm milk.
Being the perfect gentleman I immediately asked her if she had recently
given birth, but she rather testily claimed that she hadn't.
So I carried on regardless and had a thoroughly enjoyable night of
blubber-bashing with the chubby goer.
When I woke in the morning I looked down at the beached whale and was
rather
horrified to see, about half an inch from her ni*ple, the shrivelled
remains
of a monstrous boil which i had clearly sucked dry during our night of
passion. :p :p
Most unsual FBI Deaths
>Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes
>including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide
>Investigations Unit publishes the best ones.
>
>1- Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch
>long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had enough of her husband's strange sex practices
>and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20
>inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal
>organs and caused severe bleeding.
>
>2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the
>road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her
>daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the
>truck delivering her birthday cake.
>
>3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who
he
>had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if
>she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat
>poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim
>took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended
>sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she
>tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.
>
>4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he
>attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a
>double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to
>her an hour before the date started, just in case.
>
>5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to
pay
>his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to
death
>with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr
>Halos paid his rent.
>
>6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she
>wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers
>walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them
and
>yelled Boo!. The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots
>between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a
>very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.
>
>7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because
she
>talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a
>cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.
>
>8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms
>was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over
a
>period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium
>composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation
>poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss,
>welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the
>victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.
>
>9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading
>her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she
>was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as
>powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several
people,
>some up to 9 miles away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found,
>only a 180ft deep crater, and 500 yards of missing road.
>
>10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early
>hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted
>F4 Phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed
>at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would
constantly
>complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential
>risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine
>immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of
coffee
>and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he
>had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he
>activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her
>instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
>
>11- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard
With
>a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an
>almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board
>that read Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK. On the
>other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off.
>Two minutes later Berry was deceased.
>
>12- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian
>after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their
>parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of
smell.
>After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back
later,and
>turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left
out
>a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a
>puff on me, Brian! Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and
>himself in the process .
NIGHTMARES
Nightmare #1
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a
cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it,
he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in
the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and
found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture
of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?"
he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your
boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his
ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl
replied, "That's me before the operation."
Nightmare #2
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think
of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife
asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do? Oh- I know." He
proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began
to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body
spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to
the bathroom to brush his teeth.
When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her
legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?" She said,
"Shhhh!,"pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother."
Nightmare #3
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each
other goodnight at the front door, when the guy starts feeling a little
horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall
and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow >job?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will See us!" "Oh come on!
Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her. "No, please.
Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around,
they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I
love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?" "No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... " Out
of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows
up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad
says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be,
mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him
to take his hand off the intercom!"
> > > How to impress a woman:
> > >
> > > Wine her,
> > > Dine her,
> > > Call her,
> > > Hug her,
> > > Support her,
> > > Hold her,
> > > Surprise her,
> > > Compliment her,
> > > Smile at her,
> > > Listen to her,
> > > Laugh with her,
> > > Cry with her,
> > > Romance her,
> > > Believe in her,
> > > Cuddle with her,
> > > Shop with her,
> > > Give her jewelry,
> > > Buy her flowers,
> > > Hold her hand,
> > > Write love letters to her,
> > > Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.
> > >
> > > How to impress a man:
> > >
> > > Show up naked.
> > > Bring food.
>
:) :)
A while ago, after more than a few delicious beverages at my local I
pulled a large woman, and persuaded her to let me take her home.
At home, we soon got down to business and despite the room being pitch
black
it wasn't hard to locate her massive b*obies, so I started sucking greedily
on a hardened ni*ple.
And then, rather surprisingly, I got a gob full of warm milk.
Being the perfect gentleman I immediately asked her if she had recently
given birth, but she rather testily claimed that she hadn't.
So I carried on regardless and had a thoroughly enjoyable night of
blubber-bashing with the chubby goer.
When I woke in the morning I looked down at the beached whale and was
rather
horrified to see, about half an inch from her ni*ple, the shrivelled
remains
of a monstrous boil which i had clearly sucked dry during our night of
passion. :p :p
Most unsual FBI Deaths
>Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes
>including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide
>Investigations Unit publishes the best ones.
>
>1- Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch
>long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had enough of her husband's strange sex practices
>and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20
>inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal
>organs and caused severe bleeding.
>
>2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the
>road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her
>daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the
>truck delivering her birthday cake.
>
>3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who
he
>had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if
>she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat
>poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim
>took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended
>sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she
>tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.
>
>4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he
>attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a
>double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to
>her an hour before the date started, just in case.
>
>5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to
pay
>his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to
death
>with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr
>Halos paid his rent.
>
>6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she
>wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers
>walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them
and
>yelled Boo!. The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots
>between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a
>very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.
>
>7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because
she
>talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a
>cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.
>
>8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms
>was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over
a
>period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium
>composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation
>poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss,
>welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the
>victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.
>
>9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading
>her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she
>was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as
>powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several
people,
>some up to 9 miles away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found,
>only a 180ft deep crater, and 500 yards of missing road.
>
>10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early
>hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted
>F4 Phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed
>at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would
constantly
>complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential
>risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine
>immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of
coffee
>and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he
>had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he
>activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her
>instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
>
>11- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard
With
>a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an
>almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board
>that read Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK. On the
>other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off.
>Two minutes later Berry was deceased.
>
>12- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian
>after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their
>parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of
smell.
>After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back
later,and
>turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left
out
>a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a
>puff on me, Brian! Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and
>himself in the process .
NIGHTMARES
Nightmare #1
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a
cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it,
he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in
the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and
found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture
of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?"
he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your
boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his
ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl
replied, "That's me before the operation."
Nightmare #2
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think
of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found his wife
asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do? Oh- I know." He
proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began
to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body
spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to
the bathroom to brush his teeth.
When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her
legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?" She said,
"Shhhh!,"pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother."
Nightmare #3
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each
other goodnight at the front door, when the guy starts feeling a little
horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall
and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow >job?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will See us!" "Oh come on!
Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her. "No, please.
Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around,
they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I
love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?" "No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ... " Out
of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows
up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad
says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be,
mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him
to take his hand off the intercom!"
> > > How to impress a woman:
> > >
> > > Wine her,
> > > Dine her,
> > > Call her,
> > > Hug her,
> > > Support her,
> > > Hold her,
> > > Surprise her,
> > > Compliment her,
> > > Smile at her,
> > > Listen to her,
> > > Laugh with her,
> > > Cry with her,
> > > Romance her,
> > > Believe in her,
> > > Cuddle with her,
> > > Shop with her,
> > > Give her jewelry,
> > > Buy her flowers,
> > > Hold her hand,
> > > Write love letters to her,
> > > Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.
> > >
> > > How to impress a man:
> > >
> > > Show up naked.
> > > Bring food.
>
:) :)