View Full Version : Police One liners.
Come on guys lets get a deffinative list. Heard a corker yesturday when old bill pulled me and a mate i his rs turbo.
"Whats the matter squadren leader, couldn't you reach take off speed!"
My mate didn't know what to say and I just p1ssed myself. he let him off too, must have been having a good day I guess. So, whats the best line a cop has ever asked you all. We must be pulled over more than most drivers been in this type of car, so we should get some good ones.
:)
Years and years and years ago (I say that to emphasise quite how horribly old I am) me and my mate were whizzing down the M1 at about 6 in the morning from Barnsley heading south for a weekend out at any place we liked the look of at least 200 miles away when we were pulled over by a copper. Simon (my mate) was driving his dad's brand new VW Sirrocco VERY quickly indeed. Copper saunters up to the driver's window:
"Having trouble reaching escape velocity son?"
(To cut a long story short copper let him go 'cos he was at the end of his shift. He told Simon to try to take off in somebody else's patch).
Best line from a Copper:
"You know why We Fooking pulled you, 'cause you gave us the finger" In a voice raised threatening manor!
Told him where to go ;)
barryjdart
14-05-2002, 19:53
Back in the mid 80's I was pulled on the Heads of the Valley road by a police Granada. His first words were
"I've been trying to catch you for the last five miles".
He only caught me because upon him entering a roundabout I saw the shield on the side of his car & slowed because I was entering a fifty limit. BTW I was in a 320 Beemer. And no, I didn't drive like most do these days. Indicators were fitted as standard in those days.
:D :D :D :D :D
at April`s Guildford cruise I was messing about doing donuts around the back of halfords, about an hour later as i was leaving I did a huge wheelspin, on approaching the exit a policeman signaled me to stop, i wound down the window and the fun started:
" Can you please get out of the car and park it over there sir"
:confused: WTF ??
( I park the car THEN get out,he doesn`t seem to complain)
Policeman walks over to me and then says:
" I have had reports that you have been doing `hotdogs` and spinning your wheels"
I then spent the rest of the conversation desperately trying not to piss myself:D :D :D :D
got a ticking off and told to go home or get prosecuted for dangerous driving. I was in a car park FFS!!
Read somewhere that a guy was speeding down the M1, got pulled by the cop shop, he comes to the window and says, look i'm right at the end of my shift, i'm hungry and i want to go home, so if you can come up with an excuse i havent heard before i'll let you go.
The bloke says;
Well officer, my girlfriends a real bitch and i just split up with her last week, and i thought you were chasing to try and give her back!
He got off :D
Ahhhhh,
I've had some absolute corkers..... Mainly motorbike related but:
Stopped in a 40mph zone, pulled up next to a ruddy great 'kill your speed 40mph etc etc' sign... Copper says "do you know what the speed limit is down here?" Errrrrr, ermmmmm, dunno?
Best one.
Tugged on the Horsham bypass doing speed runs in the Calibra Turbo - 265bhp at the time. Went steaming under Fishers flyover/roundabout, and he comes cluttering down the slip in marked T5R to get me. I spy him, consider making a run for it, decide against and do a full bore test of the brakes and ABS, throw it into the layby before he can clock me for the required 200yds. (Layby just after slip)
He didn't get a proper reading and he couldn't have me,we both knew it....
Him and his mate were saying some beauties:
"Look son, just calm it down a bit, we have no doubt you could outrun us all day with this thing"
"Tuned is it? what power has it got? 265bhp you say? Christ! We used to have Cavalier Turbos - they were great, we would have given you a run for your money then!"
he parted with:
"Right, no more dickhead driving, you've proved to us that this car WILL hit its quoted top speed - we had you on radar at 156mph first, and it finally locked on 126mph... consider yourself lucky this time"
156mph verified by fuzz, and a let off!
Lady luck, for once, was smiling on me that day...
Doublely so - after my lecture, I pottered down to the next roundabout (approx 1/2mile) to find two more T5Rs and a BMW 328i touring waiting there.... Damm lucky I didn't pursue my usual policy of trying to give em the slip. (Successfully outrun T5Rs on 4 occasions in the Calibra. On private roads of course. Ahem.) I can loose one, no way I'd be able to shake off four area cars.
The one that always get's me is 'is this your car, Sir?'.
What're you gonna say - NO?:eek:
Or another equally dull one when I got pulled doing 98.72 on an EMPTY motorway (:rolleyes:) was 'didn't see me, did you?'.
Ars3hole.
Another criminal aprehended......
I've had some classics!
Plod: Do you have a racing license sir?
Me: No, why?
Plod: I suggest you get one, because I don't want you driving like that on MY roads...
Plod: I can't prove you were speeding...
(Having just chased me with full lights and siren)
Plod: Didn't you see me standing in the middle of the road waving my torch at you? You only missed me by a couple of feet.
(Just the other week)
Plod: Do you want me to smash your windscreen with my stick?
(Me in an empty car park at 3.30 am, having a crafty smoke)
Plod: What are you doing?
Me: Just listening to music and relaxing after a hard night at work, Officer.
(They fell for it too!)
(Me in another empty car park, having another equally crafty smoke, the Plod having been in once and ignored me already)
Plod: Are you alright... you're not depressed are you?
(B*strads thought I was going to top myself!)
(Having just chased me at high speed through Chelmsford, and found me hiding in a car park)
Plod: (sarcastically) That's a nice car sir
Me: Yes, I take very good care of it, officer
Plod: Your tyres are in good condition son
Me: No officer, they're totally bald, but I've just put loads of tyre shine on them!
(Having pulled me for no valid reason)
Plod: Can you step out of the car please sir
Me: Certainly officer... (I then wait for the full 2 minutes on the tubby timer, before getting out to find one irate copper! - It's a crime to leave your vehicle with the engine running, and I didn't want him to nick me now! ;) )
That's all I can remember :( I know there's been loads more though.
Was once in a leafy lane with a lady friend and my troosers round my ankles when a policeman stepped out of the bushes,
"Would you mind telling me what you're doing here sir?"
For some reason I couldn't come up with witty retort on that occasion.
Dave
Chris_Lacey
16-05-2002, 08:26
Originally posted by DJFish
Was once in a leafy lane with a lady friend and my troosers round my ankles when a policeman stepped out of the bushes,
Dave
Errrm... what was a copper doing in her bush?
In 1985 I got caught sh@gging in my Vauxhall Viva(:p ) and heard a loud tap on the window followed by 'what are you going'.
I was obviously unpreprared for this and replied 'having a sh@g'.
The copper then told me to 'hurry up, son, that's not the sort of thing we like seeing around here'!
So I did :D :D :D :D!
Late last summer I was pulled by an unmarked police Vectra after leaving some lights rather gingerly in the wet. He had been waiting at a red light, and had seen me snaking the car off the line up to about 60mph (this was a national speed limit road).
He followed me for about 3 miles at 60mph before stopping me.
Cant remember the full conversation, but it went something along the lines of the fact that he felt the front tyres on the car - thought they where hot, and therefore knew I had been spinning the wheels :D
Naturally he was rather embarrased when I pointed out that it was a RWD car.
He told me to watch the roads as they where slippery and be on my way :D
Stooooopid copper !!! :D
Originally posted by StuyMac
Late last summer I was pulled by an unmarked police Vectra after leaving some lights rather gingerly in the wet
'Rather gingerly'........yeah, right:D
The only way he leaves the lights gingerly is with his hair :D:D:D:D
OK fellas Calm down, calm down (paddles hands up and down like Harry Enfields Scousers)
Everytime I get a producer "Ginger Hair" always get written in the distinguishing features section of the ticket :mad:
Skin 'ed time - MATE!
HEHEHE
I'd have thought they've have written 'Not carrying a nicked video' or something else equally unusual for up there ;):D:p
Meiow!:D
Remember, I also leave traffic lights gingerly - so be careful;).
Chris_Lacey
16-05-2002, 11:00
Male : White
Ethnic Group : Scouse
Age : Arrestable
Hair : Permed / Non Permed
Colour : Ginger
Shellsuit Colour :
Number of Stolen Appliances :
Reason for stopping: Acting Unsuspiciously
Originally posted by DL
Number of Stolen Appliances :
.............inc car???? :D :D
Chris_Lacey
16-05-2002, 11:36
Sorry clerical error, that should be dual field, "In Car" and "On the Crimin.. Accused"
My mistake :D
chrisdbx
23-08-2002, 15:24
It was a damp night and I pulled into my local Retail park and instead of pulling up next to my mates i thought i would dougnut around them for a while. After completing the fantastic show a poilice mondeo pulls up along side me, the police lady gets out walks up to my window and says "that was a very skillfull piece of driving, but dont do it again in a public place". She then gets back in the police car and drives off. How lucky.
turbo pete
23-08-2002, 16:26
My dad got stopped when he had finished a 12 hour night shift. Copper said: "HAve you been drinking sir"
Dad said "Yes"
Copper: "what have you been drinking"
Dad: "Stella"
Copper: "How much did you have"
Dad "8 pints"
copper looked pleased and started to get his book out .
Dad finished off "Last thursday night - I am an officer in theRAF and I have just finished a 12hour night shift. That's why I am in uniform"
copper looked well annoyed and Dad pissed himself laughing at him.
Clocked at 144.7:
"Do you know what speed you were doing?"
"Yes"
"Good. I don't have to nick you for driving without due care and attention as well, then."
Pulled over again in broad daylight after being very obviously followed by 2 miles:
"Excuse me, but why was I pulled over?"
"You were obeying the speed limit, which is very suspicious"
Another gem:
"What oil should you use in this? My brother just bought one."
Overseas at accident scene:
"English?! You like football, yes?"
*nod*
"Ah good. no problem then. You go now. All his fault. No problem."
WPC writing out my ticket, while 40-something year old sergent is wandering around the car and notices 3600 badge on the back:
WPC: "Blah blah lecture blah"
Sergent (interrupting): "You really got a V8 in this thing?"
*nod*
"Wow, you've got a V8! Nice one. Mind if I have a look?"
*nod meekly*
"Pop the bonnet, mate...wow...nice. Bet she goes like helll! I remember I had an old..." etc etc etc blokes go into car rant. WPC deflates.
Pulled over with maniac friend driving his mental modded Lotus Sunbeam (remember them?)
"Excuse me, Sir, but you're driving like a c**t"
Step-father pulled at a roadblock on his way home one country road at his usual full-bore in an early XR4i.
"Right. We've been trying to catch you for 3 weeks"
"For what?"
"What do you think. There are 4 of these things in the country and you come down this road at 9pm every bloody night at 130mph and we try to bloody chase you every bloody night with lots of blue lights and you bu**er off and we haven't got anything that can effing touch you so I've been standing here blocking the road for 15 minutes waiting for you. Now I've got you here, I want a bloody word"
Mike
Bean Bandit
23-08-2002, 17:30
well it's not car related but fun as well.
about 5-6 years ago celebrating my mates 16th birthday. We are standing outside the restaurant waiting for his father (a lawyer) to pick us up. when my mate lights a cigar a cop walks by and and starts blabering to my mate, right then his father arrives and sees everything. So he walks up to the officer and taps on his shoulder asking if there is a problem. Officer turns around accusing him to disturb police work. So his father takes his son by the arm pulling him away of the officers and handing over one of his business cards and mentioning: 'If you got a problem with that boy then talk to me'. The officer didn't said a word turned around and walked away. The people of the restaurant started to laugh and we drove away.
another one:
2 o'clock AM, girlfriend of a mate gets stoped at an intersection by 4 police cars blocking every way. she was driving home again from getting some cigaretts at the automat (in her nightshirt). so she has to step out of the car as the policemen are seeing her dress they apologise the troubles mentioning her licens plate starts with the same 2 numbers as a criminal they are searching. (of a 6 digit number):rolleyes:
Also not car related....
When I was at college in Darlington in the late '70s me and drunken band mates decided to perform a very loud impromtpu set of Beatles numbers on the raised garden in front of our house at half two in the morning.
Took the coppers twenty minutes to get there, after calls rom dressing-gown clad fogies we were bothering; they stood and listened to us finish Nowhere Man, then one of the coppers says "We'll not nick you if you can do Come Together". So we did and they thanked us very much and suggested we went to bed. As we were taking the kit back inside one of them said to Martin, the drummer, "If that hadn't been any good we'd have taken you down the nick and given you cautions".
Got pulled over doin 120 in Liverpool:
Pig: Do you realise what speed you were doing?
Me: about 80? (soundin like me mum was tellin me off)
Pig: No 120, this ain't slow (referrin to Volvo T5) and we struggled to catch you up.
They let me off cos they said I seemed an honest lad, I just had to produce my documents
:D
Tricky-Ricky
23-08-2002, 20:50
Couple from my bike days! a very long time ago! had just started riding, 15 in those days:eek: was coming at about 1am with no lights! Royal Enfield Crusader (lights by Joe Lucas prince of darkness):D local copper puls me and says you cant ride with no lights! don't let me see you again! so off i go pushing the fecing thing!:mad: anyway 10 mins down the road hes waiting for me
predictable or what! he walks up to me and says " i said don't let me see you riding again" and off he goes, so back on the bike and off home! not a bad sort!
In a popular bike crowded bike shop in the 70s and a copper walks in and says "who's is the nice Triumph chop outside" so i'm cringing near the front of the shop wondering what i'v don this time! wen some clever sod points at me and says it's his!:mad:
so he calls me out side and procedes to talk to me on the merits of Triumph Bonnivills for the next half an hour!:D :D
Originally posted by Chris_Lacey
Male : White
Ethnic Group : Scouse
Age : Arrestable
Hair : Permed / Non Permed
Colour : Ginger
Shellsuit Colour :
Number of Stolen Appliances :
Reason for stopping: Acting Unsuspiciously
What do you call a scouser in a suit?
The accused
Sorry, an old one I know
I've got a good one but it's not related to speeding :D
Was at a Shell station one night, getting some snacks in. Just next to the counter were a couple of late-shift cops talking about stuff, I overheard that they were talking about the coffee their ladies liked.. seems they preferred Nescafe over something else :)
Anyway, a couple days later, driving home with a couple friends, motorbike copper in the turning right lane on a dual carriageway, me in the filter left lane, shouts out NESCAFE really loudly while driving off. Thought it was funny. Cop however, turns across the traffic, and PULLS ME OVER down the road ...
Get out of my car.
Walk over to him.
First thing he says?
"Are you suffering from some kind of mental illness?"
Had to explain to the rather-stern looking copper about the petrol station conversation :) He saw the funny side of it and chuckled as he left, good stuff !
got pulled in my corolla gti - which was lowered about 65mm and had a very very hard ride.... traffic copper on the dartford tunnel approach, half two in the morning.
didnt get pulled for speeding - the reason given was "the vehicle looks extensively modified and therefore we need to check its roadworthiness"
so there he is this traffic cop, doing his examination - he asks me where im going etc.... now at the time the car was insured in my dads name, and i had a policy running on an old cacky maestro which had driving other cars extension. The car itself had just been in toyotas to have a new driveshaft, so i told im that i was merely test running the motor for me dad, so i used it for the day.
"its just had a new driveshaft you see, so i wanted to make sure it was alright" i said
"i can see its had a new driveshaft" he says
then he comes round to checking the tyres - the rear ones were off the front originally and were pretty slicked to say the least!!
so after saying that he'd seen the new driveshaft at the front and then the baldies on the back, he says to me, in infinite wisdom "is it front or rear wheel drive?"
what a dunce:rolleyes:
Dave_the_B
25-08-2002, 01:23
Two years ago, christmas day, 6:30pm, pitch black dark popped down to the local industrial estate to give the 200 a blast (3/4 mile straight between two roundabouts).
Just arrived when plod appeared.
Told him I was bored and wanted to give my car some welly.
"Go on then, just don't kill yourself"
After going up and down twice he joined me with all his light's going:D
How many people can say they have raced a plod car ,won, then have the plod-man ask you for a rematch:eek:
Dave
Err lets see
Bout 4 years ago, driving home from nightclub where i work, bout 3 in the morn doin around 90 ish on a quiet road and looks in rvm to see the flash of the lights, going over a hill so when i know he cant see me i ram the brakes on hard and pull it down to about 35 ish and wait for him to come up.
Predictably he dam near lodges himself in my bumper as he is still going flat out as he comes over the hill.
Pulls me over and i sit and switch off engine, put window down and stick keys on dash and wait for him to come to window.
Usual "do u know what speed u were doing?"
Errrr..........
"take a guess"
Oooh around 30, maybe 35 (trying really really hard not to laugh)
"try more like 80+"
Really???
But it was an escort so obviously i knew they couldnt have done me anyway.
" u want to step out of the car and switch the engine off"
The engines off and the keys are on the dash.
Not that funny, but it made me smile and it made him look silly infront of his mate!
Also not funny, but strange.
Tonight while driving home from nightclub again, sensibly this time cos the 2*****s broke and it was the dreaded rover.
Pulls up at traffic lights, see them pulling up behind me, realise ive got no chance of pulling on seatbelt without them noticing, they follow for a few hundred yards then stick lights on.
I pull over and get out, "what have i done, or not done"
Poilce " uve got a brakelight out, and ur seatbelt"
yeah? a brakelight? (followed by a major yawn)
Police "u just finished work?"
yip and im knackered!
police "ok, well u better head home then"
Not even a producer never mind a fine for the seatbelt.
There are some decent ones out there!!!
:D
Kev
>How many people can say they have raced a plod car ,won, >then have the plod-man ask you for a rematch
Yeah. Twice
:D
Mike
got stopped by 2 wpc s in a riot van :eek:
accused me of driving with me fog lights on ( i have a tendency to hit the fog switch with my knee when i get in the car )
checked switch but no warning light on
i check the back of the car and one of them says no the front ones !
so i asked her to show me which ones ,
those little ones next to the indicators !!!!!!!
"Hello big boy, you phoned for a..."
oops, wrong sort of policeman...
:rolleyes:
ok heres a few of mine:
Just pulled over on the RD350ypvs:
OK sir and exactly who do you think you are, Barry Sheene?
Reply: no Randy Mamola.
Result 3 points for speeding
Pulled over on the 350 again racing my mate on his Rg250(ps my record was 8 times in 1 week)
Is this your bike sir?
no just stole it.
what cc size is it?
cant you read (pointing at the big 350 logo on the tail piece)
at which point he goes mental and gets out a tyre guage to measure the tread depth,
i pointed out that it was a new bike with 300 miles on the clock.
after much looking over the bike he was about to issue me with an HORT1 when i pulled out all my documents.....
a Couple fo my friends also the following:
At the local chip shop on an tuned RD500lc
a police senator pulls up and the plod gets out for thier tea.
Friend: how fast will that go (pointing at the senator)
Plod: We are not at liberty to say.
Friend: Well i can guarantee not over 160mph
at which point starts the bike and rides off.
Said friend on RD500 again
Having just finished the overseeing of the build of the M40 and knowing that it was empty decided to take the bike for a spin.
Apparently a couple of plod must have had the same idea in an RS coswoth.
to cut it a little shorter they pulled her over and explained that she had accelerated violently away from them at 172mph.
A mate of mine gets tugged by the old bill for a dodgy rear light!
He goes to the back of the car bangs the rear light and it lights up again. One of the coppers goes to his windscreen and starts banging it!
My mate asks him what he's up to?
'I'm just banging the windscreen to see if your roadtax comes up Sir!'
Mark
A rather silly WTF moment happened about a year ago when I took my mate up to collect a car he had just bought. We where sitting in my car outside the bloke's house, waiting for him to get back from having new tyres fitted, when two coppers pull up in front of my car. One gets out, comes over to me and asks me the usual questions, "is this your car sir?", "where do you live?" etc etc. Then he proceeded to explain why he had stopped and asked me these questions (whilst struggling to keep a straight face). Apparently an old woman had called the police and told them two blokes where acting suspicously by sitting in a car doing nothing! He treated it all pretty lightly, then proceeded to floor it away in his T5 :D
It still makes me laugh when I think back to my sole conviction for speeding. I'd been on the road for over 6 hours and was a bit zonked....driving down the m40 when I saw a marked range rover pull out behind me.
Have never been done before, so I wasn't convinced they were after me....am sure I was doing about a ton when I saw them pull out, but I slowed to 95-ish while I watched them to see what they did...they kept going in the slow lane :) so i pulled over a bit & kept me eye on them...maybe dropped back to 85-ish :p
Anyway the bit that made me smile was the 'eventually' when they caught up to me and put the lights on. I pulled over n he said 'You must've been going really fast...look how long it took us to catch up with you!' It was sooooooo tempting just to have floored the mota and lost them completely....and watching them in the mirror for 2 miles while they tried to catch me up was pure pleasure :)
Originally posted by siranui
. WPC deflates.
HAHAHAHAHAAA
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