NikB
11-04-2002, 14:21
> All-time greatest goofs.
>
> MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for
> warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked:
> "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his
> shorts."
>
> HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie
> Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
> "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it
> by himself."
>
> Ulrika Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall
> when she revealed: "I had a good eight inches last night."
>
> TREVOR Brooking talking about David Beckham's groin strain during the
> recent England v Germany match:
> "He's certainly led by example this evening and his injury's stood up
> superbly."
>
> PETER Alliss on Rivero's golf drive:
> "Gosh, what an enormous one for such a little chap!"
>
> Lorraine Kelly on GMTV:
> "This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our resident stylist is
> here to give our model one."
>
> CHRIS Tarrant was trying to help a female contestant name a famous
> motor-racing commentator. The answer was Murray Walker, so Chris said:
> "I'll give you a clue. His name sounds like something hard that tastes
> good when you suck it."
> "Ah," she replied. "It must be Dickie Davies."
>
> MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
> "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
>
> JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World
> Superbikes:
> "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a
> hard on now."
>
> Richard Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on
> Countdown:
> "Ah, 'erection', let's see it up please Carol."
>
> DAVID Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain
> Hunt, said to expert Nigel Smith:
> "You're a bit of a knockers man."
> "Yes," he replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time."
>
> ARTHUR Negus was well impressed by two glass decanters on the Antiques
> Roadshow. He told their attractive owner:
> "That's the nicest pair I've seen in ages."
>
> DURING a snooker match, Jack Karnehm remarked:
> "This is a very difficult shot, he's only got one and a half inches
> between the balls."
>
> Lowri Turner discussing high heels on Looking Good:
> "Some women will do anything for that extra three inches."
>
> AFTER comparing real-life copper Ron Caddon to the fictional cops in
> The Bill, TVam's Mike Morris summed up:
> "We need more Rons to join our police force."
>
> HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith
> Keppel on This Morning:
> "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last
> night."
>
> WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
> formidable lead:
> "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
>
> ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
> "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
>
> BEATRICE Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in
> Baghdad when she informed TVam viewers:
> "Just after the liberation, I was getting it twice a day in my hotel
> room."
>
> David Coleman:
> "That's the fastest time ever run, but it's not as fast as the world
> record."
>
> DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie
> Benaud observed:
> "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their
> balls on the green."
>
> CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
> match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
> "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
>
> CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
> "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
> like this."
>
> Charlie Dimmock was helping Alan Titchmarsh with a tree stake on
> Ground Force. "How far am I in?" he asked.
> "About eight inches," Charlie replied........"But I need a few more
> inches."
>
> A MIND-blowing insight from tennis expert Pam Shriver:
> "They don't come any quicker on the women's tour than Sugiyama."
>
> CAROL Baxter was trying to identify an apple when she opined:
> "And this one tastes like Cox."
>
> JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
> "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
>
> Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
> "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
>
> STEVE Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World Athletics
> Championships:
> "Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic champion inside
> him."
>
> A BOLEX is a type of camera, which is why Peter Alliss told the
> photographer blocking his view:
> "Move your Bolex to one side, there's a good chap."
>
> THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath
> away. "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
>
> Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
> race when he said:
> "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from
> different positions."
>
> CHAIN Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant
> called
> Richard when he told two women competitors:
> "That's enough Dick for both of you."
>
> EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on
> Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed:
> "This is the most magical, wonderful knob I have ever seen."
>
> SLIMMING expert Sally Ann Voak was talking about John Suchet's belly
> when she said:
> "I'm sure you have a little bulge down there John."
>
> STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told
> Trude:
> "There's something big growing between my legs."
>
> CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
> said:
> "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
>
> BROUGH Scott:
> "And there's the unmistakable figure of Joe Mercer...or is it Lester
> Piggott?"
>
> DAN Maskell:
> "And here come the Gullikson twins, both from Wisconsin."
>
> MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for
> warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked:
> "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his
> shorts."
>
> HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie
> Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
> "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it
> by himself."
>
> Ulrika Jonsson was a humble GMTV weathergirl talking about snowfall
> when she revealed: "I had a good eight inches last night."
>
> TREVOR Brooking talking about David Beckham's groin strain during the
> recent England v Germany match:
> "He's certainly led by example this evening and his injury's stood up
> superbly."
>
> PETER Alliss on Rivero's golf drive:
> "Gosh, what an enormous one for such a little chap!"
>
> Lorraine Kelly on GMTV:
> "This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our resident stylist is
> here to give our model one."
>
> CHRIS Tarrant was trying to help a female contestant name a famous
> motor-racing commentator. The answer was Murray Walker, so Chris said:
> "I'll give you a clue. His name sounds like something hard that tastes
> good when you suck it."
> "Ah," she replied. "It must be Dickie Davies."
>
> MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
> "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
>
> JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World
> Superbikes:
> "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a
> hard on now."
>
> Richard Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on
> Countdown:
> "Ah, 'erection', let's see it up please Carol."
>
> DAVID Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain
> Hunt, said to expert Nigel Smith:
> "You're a bit of a knockers man."
> "Yes," he replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time."
>
> ARTHUR Negus was well impressed by two glass decanters on the Antiques
> Roadshow. He told their attractive owner:
> "That's the nicest pair I've seen in ages."
>
> DURING a snooker match, Jack Karnehm remarked:
> "This is a very difficult shot, he's only got one and a half inches
> between the balls."
>
> Lowri Turner discussing high heels on Looking Good:
> "Some women will do anything for that extra three inches."
>
> AFTER comparing real-life copper Ron Caddon to the fictional cops in
> The Bill, TVam's Mike Morris summed up:
> "We need more Rons to join our police force."
>
> HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith
> Keppel on This Morning:
> "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last
> night."
>
> WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's
> formidable lead:
> "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
>
> ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
> "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
>
> BEATRICE Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in
> Baghdad when she informed TVam viewers:
> "Just after the liberation, I was getting it twice a day in my hotel
> room."
>
> David Coleman:
> "That's the fastest time ever run, but it's not as fast as the world
> record."
>
> DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie
> Benaud observed:
> "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their
> balls on the green."
>
> CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
> match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
> "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
>
> CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
> "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
> like this."
>
> Charlie Dimmock was helping Alan Titchmarsh with a tree stake on
> Ground Force. "How far am I in?" he asked.
> "About eight inches," Charlie replied........"But I need a few more
> inches."
>
> A MIND-blowing insight from tennis expert Pam Shriver:
> "They don't come any quicker on the women's tour than Sugiyama."
>
> CAROL Baxter was trying to identify an apple when she opined:
> "And this one tastes like Cox."
>
> JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
> "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
>
> Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
> "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
>
> STEVE Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World Athletics
> Championships:
> "Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic champion inside
> him."
>
> A BOLEX is a type of camera, which is why Peter Alliss told the
> photographer blocking his view:
> "Move your Bolex to one side, there's a good chap."
>
> THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath
> away. "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
>
> Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big
> race when he said:
> "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from
> different positions."
>
> CHAIN Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant
> called
> Richard when he told two women competitors:
> "That's enough Dick for both of you."
>
> EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped lid on
> Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed:
> "This is the most magical, wonderful knob I have ever seen."
>
> SLIMMING expert Sally Ann Voak was talking about John Suchet's belly
> when she said:
> "I'm sure you have a little bulge down there John."
>
> STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told
> Trude:
> "There's something big growing between my legs."
>
> CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
> said:
> "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
>
> BROUGH Scott:
> "And there's the unmistakable figure of Joe Mercer...or is it Lester
> Piggott?"
>
> DAN Maskell:
> "And here come the Gullikson twins, both from Wisconsin."