NikB
26-03-2002, 13:37
TOP TIPS
... If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.
... Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a
friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The
possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking
any of them.
... Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake ***** to your forehead. It is now clear to all
as to your allegiance.
... Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at
least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
... Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a
stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass
to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
... Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the
first place, you fat bastards.
... Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it, before jumping in.
... Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed,
lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over
the fence.
... Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
... X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
'erased'.
... Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer
to the object you wish to view.
... Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic. ( This one was for the blondes)
... Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating cakes again.
... Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
... Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.
... Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
simply pissing in the sink.
... Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak
or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know
any difference.
... Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
... If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.
... Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a
friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The
possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking
any of them.
... Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake ***** to your forehead. It is now clear to all
as to your allegiance.
... Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at
least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
... Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a
stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass
to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
... Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the thing in the
first place, you fat bastards.
... Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own
home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it, before jumping in.
... Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed,
lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over
the fence.
... Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
... X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously
'erased'.
... Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer
to the object you wish to view.
... Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic. ( This one was for the blondes)
... Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating cakes again.
... Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
... Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.
... Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
simply pissing in the sink.
... Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak
or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know
any difference.
... Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.