JohnD76
25-10-2001, 08:53
>HOW TO GET THE MOST OF YOUR BANK
> > >
> > >This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States.
> > >The Bank thought it "amusing" enough to publish in the New York
> > >Times.
> > >
> > >Dear Sir:
> > >
> > >I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I
> > >endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations
> > >some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
> > >presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds
> > >needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
> > >deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only
> > >been in place for eight years.
> > >
> > >You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
> > >opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of
> > >penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.
> > >
> > >My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
> > >caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on
> > >the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be
> > >blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my
> > >affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and
> > >conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and
> > >I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
> > >
> > >To this end, please be advised about the following changes. I have
> > >noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
> > >letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal,
> > >ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has
> > >become.
> > >
> > >From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood
> > >person.
> > >
> > >My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no
> > >longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
> > >addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your
> > >branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an
> > >offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an
> > >envelope.
> > >
> > >Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require
> > >your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
> > >pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your
> > >bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all
> > >copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a
> > >Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her
> > >financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
> > >accompanied by documented proof.
> > >
> > >In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
> > >he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
> > >shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
> > >button presses required to access my account balance on your
> > >phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
> > >flattery.
> > >
> > >Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my
> > >new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like
> > >yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with
> > >whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be
> > >answered by an automated voice.
> > >
> > >Press buttons as follows:
> > >
> > >1 To make an appointment to see me;
> > >
> > >2 To query a missing repayment
> > >
> > >3 To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
> > >Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is
> > >received;
> > >
> > >4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> > >Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is
> > >received;
> > >
> > > 5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
>nature.
> > >Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is
> > >received.
> > >
> > >6 To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
> > >
> > >7 To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a
> > >password to access my computer is required. Password will be
> > >communicated at a later date to the contact.
> > >
> > >8 To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1
> > >through 9.
> > >
> > >9 To make a general complaint or inquiry.
> > >
> > >The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
> > >automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve
> > >a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month
> > >I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie:"
> > >
> > >"Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door,
> > >And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for."
> > >
> > >After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it
> > >by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As
> > >your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater
> > >efficiency comes at a cost --a cost which you have always been
> > >quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing
> > >some costs back.
> > >
> > >First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I
> > >will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated
> > >contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
> > > Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
> > >penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My
> > >new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie
> > >doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your
> > >inquiries brief and to the point.
> > >
> > >Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
> > >establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
> > >
> > >May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New
> > >Year. Your humble client
> > >
> > >............
> > >Nancy
> > >
> > >This is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States.
> > >The Bank thought it "amusing" enough to publish in the New York
> > >Times.
> > >
> > >Dear Sir:
> > >
> > >I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I
> > >endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations
> > >some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
> > >presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds
> > >needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly
> > >deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only
> > >been in place for eight years.
> > >
> > >You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
> > >opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of
> > >penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.
> > >
> > >My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
> > >caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on
> > >the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be
> > >blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my
> > >affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and
> > >conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and
> > >I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
> > >
> > >To this end, please be advised about the following changes. I have
> > >noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
> > >letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal,
> > >ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has
> > >become.
> > >
> > >From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood
> > >person.
> > >
> > >My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no
> > >longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
> > >addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your
> > >branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an
> > >offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an
> > >envelope.
> > >
> > >Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require
> > >your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
> > >pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your
> > >bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all
> > >copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a
> > >Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her
> > >financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
> > >accompanied by documented proof.
> > >
> > >In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
> > >he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
> > >shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
> > >button presses required to access my account balance on your
> > >phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
> > >flattery.
> > >
> > >Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my
> > >new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like
> > >yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with
> > >whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be
> > >answered by an automated voice.
> > >
> > >Press buttons as follows:
> > >
> > >1 To make an appointment to see me;
> > >
> > >2 To query a missing repayment
> > >
> > >3 To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
> > >Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is
> > >received;
> > >
> > >4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> > >Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is
> > >received;
> > >
> > > 5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
>nature.
> > >Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is
> > >received.
> > >
> > >6 To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
> > >
> > >7 To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a
> > >password to access my computer is required. Password will be
> > >communicated at a later date to the contact.
> > >
> > >8 To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1
> > >through 9.
> > >
> > >9 To make a general complaint or inquiry.
> > >
> > >The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
> > >automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve
> > >a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month
> > >I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie:"
> > >
> > >"Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door,
> > >And the vaults are filled with silver, That the miners sweated for."
> > >
> > >After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it
> > >by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As
> > >your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater
> > >efficiency comes at a cost --a cost which you have always been
> > >quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing
> > >some costs back.
> > >
> > >First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I
> > >will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated
> > >contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
> > > Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
> > >penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My
> > >new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie
> > >doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your
> > >inquiries brief and to the point.
> > >
> > >Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
> > >establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
> > >
> > >May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New
> > >Year. Your humble client
> > >
> > >............
> > >Nancy